Tearing Down the High Places: How 2020 Breaks-through and Through

Well, it truly feels different writing this one for 2020. 

It is everyone's life-changing year.

It is the year that kept giving its unique, often labeled as adverse energy right from the beginning, up until the end.

I will no longer mention the obvious things that made 2020 too different. Let me mention what made 2020 peculiar to me, in a very personal way.

To be outright honest, it has never been about the pandemic that truly stirred and bothered me this year. And maybe for you, for many others, it is not directly the pandemic--but the events that it triggered--that truly challenged our year.

I will no longer make this article long, but 2020 challenged my faith, my convictions, my standing in aspects and areas of my life--both personally and professionally. 

I mentioned last year, 

As the year and decade end, may we find clarity and confidence in the joy and comfort that the Lord Himself only offers. May we find stability and sufficiency in the path and process that He has carved for us to walk in. And ultimately, may we find the peace and the joy to start a new year, a new decade, with His purpose engraved in our hearts, as 'silk-made' visionaries carrying His vision.

In fact, I wanted 2020 to be a more collaborative, participatory year. I did not want anyone to be left behind. I asked for opportunities where I can be more selfless, and He did indeed give me that. From assisting in various relief operations here and there, to be a prayer warrior to a lot of people who needed prayers intensely this year, to be counted as a blessing to churches whom I have visited as I joined my parents' deputation as missionaries, to allow my graduate school friends and work colleagues to write, research, and publish together with me--these are but happenings that I thank God for. Indeed, on one side, I was made more selfless..... 

...However on the other side, I also asked the Lord to expose to me my darkness this 2020, and hey, HE REALLY DID. If there is a year that beats the gloom of 2013-2014, in terms of my failures and mistakes, that perhaps is 2020. It did not happen when the pandemic struck. It did not happen during the middle of the year. It happened right in the last quarter of 2020.

One thing:

Not all breakthroughs are God-sent.

And no matter how basic it may seem, but the stories of Eve being lured to take that forbidden fruit, as well as Jonah being lured to head to Tarshish ring so much to me as the year ends. Moreover, Sarah taking the shortcut through Hagar and Ishmael is also a reminder to me that some opportunities and circumstances are not as bright as they are: they are not as good as it seems to be, and true enough, not all the glimmers and glitters is gold. 

This last quarter of 2020 is also a test of speed--for once, I was too slow--I almost came to a full stop, then for once, I was too fast--I almost crashed. Both are out of balance, both were not the speed that He asks me to take--because both were out of touch, and out of step with His timing, with His lead and guidance. 

After being threatened with losing my job during midyear, the threat of my parents contracting the virus, the threat of having my graduate school thesis being canceled, the threat of our finances as a family and me as an individual crumbling down (again after 2018 and 2019!!! Imagine the pressure!), the insane socio-political turmoil in our country--these all led me to despair. For the first few months of the lockdown, around April-July, I recognized that I was slipping spiritually--I recognized it, I allowed it. I was moving so slow--too slow in fact, that I never wanted to leave my bed. Everything was a mess, and my pandemic anxiety was taking its toll on me. I lost weight, I lost a lot of hair, I almost lost it all. Yeah sure, I was that faithless. Why? Well, I thought I had everything planned when 2019 ended. I got a good job, I was about to begin my thesis, I was about to begin my way back to financial stability which I have been praying for as I support my parents on their ministry and sustain myself as well. When these things happened, I felt everything was beginning to crumble again, just when they were started to be reestablished. I kept thinking, "does God want me to even prosper?? Why can't He just let me stay blessed for a little longer?" Faithlessness dried my character, my attitude, and my perspectives on living. Slowly I lost interest in my profession, in writing, and in serving the Lord. Being remote from physical gathering at church also was an additional factor. I even arrived at the point where I questioned whether the church is essential or not. How far had I backslidden? 

However, things began to get brighter last August. I did not lose my job--in fact, this 2020, I was given the opportunity to rediscover and hone my God-given skills and craft in writing modules and other educational materials needed in the transition towards distance learning. The Lord stayed true in keeping me as a Christian educator--as He has called me last 2016/2017 to be so--even amidst a remote platform. Sadly, I did not see it like that immediately. My calling and ministry were seemingly challenged, then eventually neglected and ignored, months after my graduation from Bible College. True enough, the flesh, the enemy can lure you as far as it wants, to the point that you almost become a different person--different from the person you ought to be, from the person He wants you to be.

I saw His blessings as a chance to obtain turbo--a mechanism to hype and speed up my professional growth and development. Yes. My faith was misplaced quickly, more so when September came, when temptation, wrapped in 'opportunity' came. Professionally, I almost gave up the principles that the Lord has imbued in me, all for a seeming 'once-in-a-lifetime' chance that I could not seem to miss nor resist. Fact is, during those months, I was still in my April-June mindset, where I kept asking the Lord for a big breakthrough this 2020. I asked, "Lord, is this it." But I also answered, "yes! This is it!!!"

And aren't we like that? Oftentimes we ask the Lord one thing, but we quickly answer ourselves then persuade ourselves that it is also His answer, when in fact, it was our flesh answering, and actually succumbing to what the flesh or the enemy says. The Bible remains true, God cannot be tempted, nor does He tempt. At the end of the day, we cannot blame Him, we never can. We can only point back to ourselves, for deceiving ourselves with the things we wrongfully desire, and yet we wrongfully interpret as Divine and God-sent.

Again, not all breakthroughs are God-sent.

I got the breakthrough. I thought that was the 2020 plot-twist I was waiting for (all my life as an educator). For three months, September - November, the compromises were accumulating, all in the name of that 'breakthrough,' with the mindset that "God understands. He was the One who gave this, after all," forgetting firstly His timing, secondly His Word, thirdly His ways--that never lead to sin. My faith was no longer in the right Person, but in the wrong one, more so in the wrong words--of futile promises of man, of words that do not even edify or give grace, the wrong actions--ones that sow discord instead of reconciliation and unity, ones that give prejudices instead of equity, ones of hegemony and pride instead of grace and gratitude. How dare did I think during those times that those moments were God-sent? When they only turned me into a person I never imagined myself becoming? Having a misplaced faith drowned my character, my attitude, my perspectives in living. How far had I truly backslidden? It was truly a downward spiral, and I was crashing at the speed of gravity.....

Until God, in His act of mercy, grace, and love, for the nth time, rescued me right before I hit the deep, irrevocable end of the pit... Right before my integrity, purity, character, and being was damaged beyond repair. That last day of November, exactly a month ago today, the Lord, in His light, tore down the high places of my life. Yes. Anywhere we place our faith in outside the Lord alone is our high place, and the Lord will surely tear them down.

That is the real breakthrough--when the Lord BREAKS-THROUGH every barrier, just to get to you and your heart again.

This remains to be a Divine act that I can never fully comprehend. It always brings me to tears. How can a sovereign, infallible God, through His Son, lovingly, faithfully, and relentlessly pursue a dumb sheep who was lured into a slaughterhouse located far from the fences and hedges that He has placed? 

For all the countless times that I was unfaithful and intentionally went astray, He has always been consistent, faithful in bringing me back to His fold. 

1. At this point, I am reminded of this hymn,
2. "Near the cross, a trembling soul,

   Love and Mercy found me;

   There the bright and morning star

   Sheds its beams around me."

   That morning remains to be miraculous--how everything happened, how He took away my blindness and granted me the eyes of faith again, how He gave me the courage to steer the wheel correctly, now trusting His pacing and guidance, how He allowed me to redeem myself professionally and personally--these are but the real breakthroughs of the year.

3. Not all God-sent breakthroughs come in loud noises, flashy lights, and grand entrances. Most of the time, His breakthroughs come through rebukes, exhortations, the rod of discipline, and His act of simply saving and rescuing. 

4. Perhaps the breakthrough of 2020 is not about reaching new heights hastily, but about keeping the right, Divinely-ordained pace. 

5. It is not about creating my own or others' paths, but charting His path for me. 

6. It is not about taking and agreeing to every opportunity that comes, but about refusing and rejecting opportunities that are not meant for me, and acknowledging that my time will come too...in His time, in His way and manner, accordingly to His will.

7. As I end, 2020 is not just about being able to recognize and identify the good gifts, but ultimately being able to be so close and intimate with the Giver of gifts, so that we would be able to better distinguish, which gifts are truly from Him, and which are temptations disguised as 'gifts' and 'blessings.' In fact, as the famous song says, "what if our blessings come through raindrops and tears?" The way God gives and blesses is definitely and most often unpleasing to the flesh, but we are reminded by James:

8. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. - James 1:17

   The gift God gives is always for His glory, as well as for our good and growth. It is not flickering, nor is it short-lived. It does not lead to sin, neither does it change us to a person that He has not called us to be. The gift that He gives is always in accordance with His will, His time, His Word, His ways. 

As I end the year that has sought us to reevaluate what is essential and not, I hope that we will always put the premium on the Lord as the Giver of good and perfect gifts. 2020 has truly been sustained by His unfailing providence despite moments where we got lost and strayed so far away from Him. In the decade to come, or even in 2021, I seek and pray to be more intentional in pursuing the Giver way more than the gifts He gives, to be more intentional in pursuing what He desires--charity, purity, integrity, honesty. This 2021, may I be able to reach purer heights, fairer grounds, and brighter sights--may I grow in purity--forsaking that dark and wretched person that I am in the flesh, establish myself fairly--may I seek Christo-centric stability, and not a materialistic and carnal view of stability--and may I ultimately see life from the viewpoint of the Light that never waivers, never fades, never dims.

Despite and regardless of everything around the year, still, God remains worthy this 2020.

"Do you feel the world is broken? We do.
Do you feel the shadows deepen? We do.
But do you know that all the dark won't
Stop the light from getting through? We do.
Do you wish that you could see it all made new? We do.
Is all creation groaning? It is.
Is a new creation coming? It is.
Is the glory of the Lord to be the light within our midst? It is.
Is it good that we remind ourselves of this? It is."