Over a Cup of Coffee and Tea: On Forgiveness and Beyond

Chocolate Chip Cream (c) Starbucks Coffee

Yesterday, I've stumbled over a few lessons I've learned after 'letting myself be freely honest before the Lord and myself' and over a cup of coffee and tea.

This June 2017 has greatly overwhelmed me, as a response, as a reaction to all forms of 'hype' that happened last April - May 2017. It has truly been a definition of what one can call a 'emotional and mental, more so spiritual roller-coaster ride.'

Before I go straight to the few lessons I've learned , I'd like to just share my gratitude for the month so far, regardless of the innumerable twists and turns. I was able to enroll at Bible College and I am very thrilled to start this July. I'll be sharing another few articles with regards that in the weeks and months to come, but for now, despite of the tons of challenges that I foresee, I am excited. I also turned 22, and it was a different birthday. I did not really need so much attention from people. This time, to me personally, to be able to spend my birthday with my core family and eat my favorite food are the most important. It was the simplest birthday, but I was genuinely happy that day. I found out who are your real friends and to me, some of them gave me what I could call a 'surprise'. Also, I was able to start my Graduate School studies. I am just looking forward at where this new journey could take me into fulfilling His call for my life. 

However, the struggles of 'loving the Lord more than these', 'loving others as you love yourself' and as a result 'forgiving others as Christ forgave you', remain to be the reasons that caused my feet to be very, very unsettled. Within two weeks of pondering the reasons why it has been very difficult for Christians to forgive, I realized and discover these possible reasons:

1. We are afraid to be vulnerable again after forgiving. We think that by forgiving others, we give them the power to hurt us again, causing us to have that spot, that room of vulnerability within.

2. We think the damage has been too much, too deep, that we can no longer forgive them. We think that we have been destroyed, thus we tell ourselves that they no longer can be welcomed and accepted back into our lives.

3. We could not comprehend enough that others would fail us, this much. We often feel betrayed, lied upon, cheated upon, disabling us to understand the other and forgive them. Instead, due to our inability to comprehend their mistake, we build walls, we refuse to forgive.

4. We use our refusal to forgiveness as our weapon of 'revenge' towards them. We think that by NOT forgiving, we are doing ourselves a favor and believe that we are avenging ourselves.

Nevertheless, the fruit of the Spirit reminded me otherwise.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit." - Galatians 5:22-25

I realized that if there seems to be a struggle in a child of God with regards forgiving someone, that must be a good thing. How? Well, because this struggle is an indication that there is still an ongoing warfare between the Spirit which urges us to forgive and the flesh which urges us to be filled with hatred. And true enough, there is really a spiritual warfare going on, even in areas like forgiving, in which, if left defeated, would eventually destroy relationships of all kinds.

We are having a hard time to forgive, really because we are desiring to forgive them, but our selfishness gets in the way. Our love for them has not failed to exist--we are just struggling on whether we should still demonstrate it to them or not. The fruit of the Spirit has been greatly used to prompt Christians on forgiving, forbearing, understanding, but the flesh is also warring greatly against it. We must remember that forgiving is a by-product of walking in the Spirit, a by-product of constant surrender to God and letting His strength and power take charge. It is allowing Him to help us in forgiving. We do not forgive by our own means. We forgive with His enabling as we walk in the Spirit. 

1. We are afraid to be vulnerable again after forgiving. We think that by forgiving others, we give them the power to hurt us again, causing us to have that spot, that room of vulnerability within. WRONG. When we forgive them, we actually set ourselves free from the caged situation. We do not stay vulnerable. We may become vulnerable but gain strength from the Lord as we realize that we forgive as He has forgiven us. We may be hurt again, but since we are freed from that situation, the hurt no longer dwells within, we have learned to give it to the Lord instead.

2. We think the damage has been too much, too deep, that we can no longer forgive them. We think that we have been destroyed, thus we tell ourselves that they no longer can be welcomed and accepted back into our lives. WRONG. No sin is beyond and greater than God's forgiveness, and this is something we must remember. If God is able to forgive the gravest sin, so should we, since we draw our strength of forgiving from Him as we walk in the Spirit.

3. We could not comprehend enough that others would fail us, this much. We often feel betrayed, lied upon, cheated upon, disabling us to understand the other and forgive them. Instead, due to our inability to comprehend their mistake, we build walls, we refuse to forgive. WRONG. God did not want His children to be building walls and burning bridges but instead, to bear one another's burdens. By forgiving, we realize that we have, at some point, failed them too, and mistakes are part of a human relationships, being fallible and errant, and thus instead of closing doors, we must continue to have a mind that is open to understanding and forgiving them, and soon enough accepting them in our lives once healing has taken place.

4. We use our refusal to forgiveness as our weapon of 'revenge' towards them. We think that by NOT forgiving, we are doing ourselves a favor and believe that we are avenging ourselves. WRONG. It is actually the other way around. The Fruit of the Spirit is our weapon against the flesh, and so, forgiving is actually our weapon against hatred. By forgiving, we cut the roots of bitterness and hatred, and we stop it from growing. By doing such, we do ourselves, we do others a great favor, one that actually honors the Lord too. We do not remain stagnant, instead, we experience real, God-glorifying growth. We are also not in the position to avenge. Vengeance in the Lord's (Romans 12:19), and our role rather is to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21).

Now, carrying these realizations, yesterday, over a cup of coffee and tea, I've learned so much more than just forgiving.

1. We are not to think that we are or we can be wiser over someone else's misery, because in reality, we are not, and we never can be. This almost sounds like a proverb to me. In a word filled with 21'st century self-entitlement, selfishness, self-centeredness, even we Christians are all guilty of our own 'selves'. We have our ego and pride, our self-righteousness that cause us to quickly and almost instantly judge (or worse, condemn) others as 'such' and 'such'. We live in a day where even Christians have this habit of 'name-calling' other believers as something that is lesser in value compared to us. By criticizing, attacking others' different standpoints, issues and dilemmas in life, we are actually subtly judging them for having such status. It has become my prayer for the past few years that people would learn to understand more, judge less. We can never know how much weight a person has been carrying unless we are in the position of that person. May we all be sensitive in this area, and understand that only the Lord can lay judgment and only the Lord can be wiser and greater than any miseries we face in life. At most, we can pray for them instead of bickering them.

2. It is hard to unlove someone we once have chosen/learned to love unconditionally. On the debate whether love is a 'feeling' or 'choice', we often say that those who love blindly only think that love is a feeling. That is not true. Come to think of it, if love were blind, we can then claim this premise: God loves us despite of our failures. Thus He is blind and He has no idea actually of our failures. He still keeps on loving us. 

WRONG.

God's love is NOT blind. 

Romans 5:8 is actually echoing such truth. 

"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Real or true love is having the best or most understanding about one's failures, mistakes, yet choosing to love them, nevertheless, regardless if whether they deserve such love or not. The Lord knows our frailties even more than we ourselves do, but He loves us more than anyone could. That is the kind of love that is also ought to be manifested by us, being His children. Unconditional love is loving them all throughout, all the way, even with a clearest understanding of their madness, of their 'dark side'. Thus, this is what makes us unable to unlove them afterwards. Loving them unconditionally will also allow us to forgive easily, because we understand them, we can almost see through their breaking and trying times, and we are still willing to stick or stay with and through it.

3. It takes one broken individual to (almost) fully, completely understand, empathize and accept another broken individual. That connection is solely theirs. We live in a world full of demands, pressures, stereotypes, prejudices coming from all sorts and all forms. Even inside Christianity and Christian service, those are sadly getting rampant too. Thus it is inevitable that panic attacks, anxiety attacks, tendencies to be depressive, issues in attitude, temper, madness and melancholy all come into play and invade the believer's mind, heart and life. The century we are now living in is getting more and more cruel, and it takes so much more effort to live a joyful life now compared to before, but the key to having a joyous life still remains the same: Abide in Christ (cf. John 15). Nevertheless, we are also given this mandate, found in Galatians 6:1-2:

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

In relation to number 1 wherein we cannot be wiser over someone else's misery, the same principle is applied here. That is why at the end of the day, no one from us can boast that our burdens are less, our issues are lesser than theirs etc. Truth is, in God's eyes, we all stand on the same, equal ground. We are all broken, torn apart by sin. For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Even after salvation, even in the process of sanctification, even in the midst of service, for all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. We all are engaged in a spiritual battle, we all have our own kinds and forms of burdens. We all carry a certain baggage, we all have skeletons hidden in our respective closets. That is why we can bear each other's burdens. That is why we ought to bear each other's burdens, as a part of abiding in Christ and in His Word, and as a part of living a joyous life. Being similar to number 1, this gives us reason why we cannot boast, why we cannot quickly point a finger towards' others' brokenness in life. They are only a mirror of ourselves, a reflection of our brokenness inside too. Instead of pointing them, or punching them, pray for them. Lend a hand, reach out and bear their burdens. May we pray for His grace, that He may enable us to go beyond forgiving--to go the extra mile in understanding where they are coming from, their background, their unresolved conflicts in life, because in doing that, we get to realize that we're all the same, we're all carrying something we constantly give to the Lord. We all are in a constant journey of receiving and releasing, of gaining and letting go, of moving and stumbling. This is a connection that is solely ours as His children.

4. Lastly, sin, when left unrepented, expands its sphere and influence of damage. When God asks us the question "lovest thou Me more than these?" I realized, that it is actually His call of you, totally renouncing and dejecting all of your sins in life. It is actually a call to totally confess, surrender, forsake, and repent from them. The Lord demands us fully--our whole being and entity, and that requires us to continuously ask forgiveness from Him for all the sins we've made. However it does not stop from there. God also demands us to put a close onto them. The Lord demands us to fully confess and fully repent. It is not enough to bury them somewhere within our hearts, minds or lives. It is not enough to run away from them, unrepented and unconfessed. The Lord demands for a pure and clean life, because He can actually use us ONLY if we're thoroughly clean. We cannot be used to our fullest capacity if there's a part in our life that is dysfunctional, or malfunctioning due to sin. This is my prayer, for we all are guilty of hidden habitual sins, and yet how boastful are we of refusing to forgive others of their transgressions towards us when we too are guilty of greater iniquities before the holy and just God, every single day. More than being unable to be fully used by the Lord, sins left unchecked within us will grow, and its damage will expand. It steals the joy of our fellowship with Christ, and soon with our family, our fellow believers, and ultimately our service to Him. Maybe, to begin with, the reason we have harbored an unforgiving spirit, a judgmental attitude and a condemning mindset towards others is because we ourselves have not been thoroughly honest with the Lord with regards our sins, and He cannot use us with this kind of living. We maybe are filled with too much hidden pride and ego inside that we no longer see the need to confess and repent from our sins.

Definitely, as seen in James 1:5, "sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death." Sin is a slaughter of everything that God has created for good. It kills relationships, it kills churches, it kills families, homes, friendships, ministries. It kills our influence for Him. "Kill here", means more than just murder. It means more of 'separation'. It separates believers, one from another, as it builds walls, burns bridges instead of building and fostering them. It causes the fellowship of the Christian family to turn cold and eventually cease. It causes the zeal, passion and dedication of Christians to serve and work for Him to die down.

Over a cup of coffee and tea, I realized that there is more to life when it comes to our own personal issues. I've learned that everyone is carrying some weight, and is needing someone to carry it with them and hand it over to the Lord. Is there a person right now that you are struggling to forgive? Choose to live and walk in the Spirit and thus, forgive. Itching to point a finger to someone's life which you think is very undeserving? Think twice and remember that the person you face when you look at the mirror is just as undeserving. Instead, pray for that person, and you'll realize that you too have to be praying for yourself. Are there still hidden sins left unrepented for? Do not run away without repenting from them. God cannot bless our service and our lives for Him if He still sees unsettled sins in our lives. Neither can He use us to the fullest if we there remains a dirt on our vessels.

We are all on the same boat. I pray that you as a reader would find this article eye-opening. May we see more folded hands in love, fellowship and prayer than clenched fists in anger, hatred and bitterness. May we find our fellowship to be one that is genuinely warm, one that is willing to listen and understand, rather than shut off and lay judgment, one that is willing to build bridges rather than walls. Ultimately, may we find ourselves being used by the Lord to the very extent, because we are living clean lives, from the inside out. :)