What Life Is Really All About...
It has been 5 months since it was the last time I wrote an entry. School started, the "sweeter-17-year" began, and it was just a roller-coaster ride for me to perfectly describe my very first semester in Normal, as well as how life has been going in church, and in my personal life.
Roller-coasters...they're basically an "up and down" routine. And so was my life for the past 5 months, where I just went up and down for a couple of cycles too. It went extremely the opposite of what I've expected. Obviously, life ain't "summer" forever. At some point, I forgot the fact that the "rainy" or even "stormy" seasons are at hand, right after the passionate, burning summer. Where will I begin? For so many things happened, too many to enumerate here.
Basically, school was overwhelming to me. It brought me on my knees even in the very first day of class--my birthday. This was coupled with the passing away of my grandmother (which is now enjoying Heaven's bliss with the Lord, thankfully), and even some hurting revelations of what has been hidden to me for months. The last was a personal revelation, which I cannot mention here, however that really, and greatly, affected the whole semester. Valleys after valleys came, sometimes I was even brought to a dry plateau, a place where really, all of the promises and victories claimed last summer have finally begun to have a "false shadow of doubt" (which didn't seemed "false" that time). Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming pressures at school, the need to carry a "tough facade" at church to repress the hurt and pain inside, and even just the hiding and pushing away of the mistakes I've done in the past, I've once again become far away from Him. Sadly, this is not something I feel comfortable writing about. Feelings of shame and regret are emanating, and it just doesn't feel good.
"What really happened?" One night somewhere in September, I asked myself. The scenarios from July to early September was starting to be chaotic and confusing. I just saw myself turning from one side of self to the other, having diverse directions, which deep inside I knew was directly heading to "nowhere". The pressures of school have made me want to sip into a beverage my wrong friends offered me. It was called "relaxation" which actually meant "tardiness". I took a sip of it, and it was cool. It was refreshing... but then all were mere "unreliable feelings and emotions" as a result of how to cope with the gigantic pressures around.
The "weekends" didn't help either, as I was just shifting from one realm of pressure, to one realm of heaviness. People all around were changing, friends began wearing the name tag of "used-to-be"/"once"/"old" on their faces, and the scenario was just getting heavier. I felt like the entire place was divided internally, but somehow tried to show the world, even God that "no, we're not! In fact we're so united in here!" Of course God is not happy with the situation. That is why He has used countless circumstances to give us the desire to get back to the basics of life. Just like what was written in that song, "one day we all will awake and look back, just to find what we've lost.." many, were indeed in pain, in hurting. Many were doubting, and wanting to give up. Many were crying out their hearts to the wrong places, wrong people, wrong...I would say... PURSUITS. I'm not exempted from that statement. I too tried, if getting farther would work. I too tried, if compromising myself just to fit into the new world (where "relaxation" was their regular drink) would work. I too tried, if fully focusing on my academics would work. And the end result? All I could say is total FAILURE. If the term needs to be that harsh, then so be it. We've lost timeless opportunities to live a joyful life as God has promised, a victorious life as God has assured, and an simple life faithfully and genuinely serving God as how He has planned, designed, and created life to be. I remembered, "an opportunity lost is gone FOREVER.." Indeed those days won't come back anymore. They're irretrievable. They're gone.
However, God, who has always been true to who He is--faithful, never stopped in His daily reminders, daily discipline, daily rebuke, or basically daily "spanking". Which all the more showed me His never changing love in an ever-changing world. His love is still the same--wonderful, amazing, splendid, fathomless, indescribable. His forgiveness is still there, and He's just waiting for us to really accept that "Yes.. once again, I've failed. I've sought joy, satisfaction, completeness at the wrong places. I've doubted You, Lord. Your love, Your power, Your grace, Your strength, that You have been promising me to carry me through it all. I've forgotten what You have done, and focused on myself, and again, You just let me choose 'my way' to make me realize that 'I just can't'...I just can't live the right kind of life You want me to live without You directing and guiding me."
September 19, 2012. It was the day that changed the routine. It was the day where I realized why everything has been wrong. I really, didn't know where I was heading, that's why the last 2-3 months had been very much capricious. God is just so good, and His timing is always PERFECT. Just when I began to realize my mistakes in the past months, He even made me realize the whole picture of things. My life had God only as a decor, not the CORE. God, for so many years, has been an ornament to every decision that I make. More of like I do what I want first, then just do something in it to make it look "God-honoring". I really cried hard, as I swallowed such pride in my life. I knew I was wrong. And those mistakes have hurt and deceived people too. I knew I really wanted to elevate myself, and did everything to protect myself. I used too much "cover-ups" to really hide this truth, this reality that God was just on the sides, not in all of me. After camp, I knew I was heading on the right track, but just before the "sweeter year" began, fear, selfishness, and pride drowned me. I realized, before judging people, I guess I need to look at how frail am I too as God's child. It was devastating, "fleshly-speaking". Nevertheless I thank God for such a night. I didn't care if I needed to cry the whole night just to be in touch with God again. That night, finally, I knew where I should be heading.
Perhaps, one major principle I've learned that night is that if I really want to follow God, His will, His plan and purpose for my life, then I need to be fully-surrendered to Him--WITHOUT RESERVATIONS. I need to let Him be the core of my every decision. I've realized too, that after all, everything began from Him, so everything must end with Him and for Him too. He must be the beginning point, the middle points, and the endpoint of my life, and so are my decisions. As He is my Master, the Driver of my life, He who began it, should be also the one finishing/completing it, just as He has promised. I must not, manipulate. I must not, take things and do them on my own way. That is not what a young woman of God must do. He is the Potter, I am the clay. Whatever He says, I'll do. Wherever He sends, I'll GO. I'm just a sinner, saved by His grace, given with a privilege to be an instrument to reflect His glorious Light. Didn't I just told myself NOT to argue with God this 2012? I believe I gotta be reminded too from time to time. This includes saying "YES" to whatever God has led you to do, even for the rest of your life. This was hard for me, because this equals giving up everything I once held dear just for doing His will--His mission, which as His daughter, must be my mission too.
To the world, it may seem "ambiguous" as I've just entrusted the rest of my future to God's hands, which is something "unknown" as far as I'm concerned, or as far as any human is concerned. But ironically, giving myself fully to God gave me peace. All doubts, worries, apprehensions faded away. This is really because now, it is not a limited individual who holds her future, it is now the Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent God who is holding the rest of my days 'til infinity and beyond. Yes, I've learned to let go...not something I once held dear, not even someone, or a few, but rather I've learned to let go of myself. This simply means dying to self, and yielding to Him. LETTING GO. This is a practice that must be done habitually, with the grace of God. And so here I now come to the present, where still though many worries (for the new semester, new month, new year, majorship, 'renewed' realm at church) attack me constantly, which gives me ample room to doubt again, I just simply bring it under subjection, and so are my feelings, emotions, presumptions, assumptions, "vibes", circumstances. Again, I must LET GO of manipulating, of doing things my way, of planning ahead, and LET GOD take me to the regions beyond for His glory.
See, I thought I could only go this far, but God told me "My plans are higher than yours, My ways are better than yours (in fact My ways are always the BEST), and if you're willing to let Me drive your life, I'll bring you to whole different world, who longs to see My glory revealed through My work in you. You just gotta be willing to undergo everything, every trial, every testing, every hurt and pain the devil's gonna throw. But be of good cheer, I've overcome the world. Trust Me, and have faith." It brings me to tears, as how far God could use such a wretch as I. This again, shows me that life is not about me, it's about Him. My life should be pointing to no one else, no other name but Jesus. THIS IS LIFE. What could I say more? As a respond I simply said "Yes Lord. I know that real satisfaction and fulfillment in life only comes when You are the core, the beginning, the middle, and the end of it. So thank You Lord, I don't deserve this love, this forgiveness, this another chance to live right. So here am I Lord, keep me worthy of reflecting Your glorious Light. Never did I realize that this song that You've inspired me to write 4 months ago will be speaking to me again. Help me, for I can't do it on my own. I just can't. So let me be yielding and submissive enough to Your grace, Your strength, Your power. Thank You for reminding me of my frailties and weaknesses every time I reach the mountaintops, or even in the valleys or the plateaus of life. Rid me of myself, help me to be more honest and transparent in showing You and not my pride, not my egoistic self, even through my mistakes and my failures, so that people would see that I'm still human, and You're still working on me, to make me what I ought to be for Your glory. Take off the mask of pretense, Lord, and may You be seen in me.
Seriously, as I write that prayer, I was reading it aloud to myself, and once again, I was praying too. That everything that was said, would be done, and would be seen, for His honor and glory's sake. And so yeah...I've accepted life as how it should be, and by His grace, I'm living it as how it should be--as how He wants it to be. :)
Roller-coasters...they're basically an "up and down" routine. And so was my life for the past 5 months, where I just went up and down for a couple of cycles too. It went extremely the opposite of what I've expected. Obviously, life ain't "summer" forever. At some point, I forgot the fact that the "rainy" or even "stormy" seasons are at hand, right after the passionate, burning summer. Where will I begin? For so many things happened, too many to enumerate here.
Basically, school was overwhelming to me. It brought me on my knees even in the very first day of class--my birthday. This was coupled with the passing away of my grandmother (which is now enjoying Heaven's bliss with the Lord, thankfully), and even some hurting revelations of what has been hidden to me for months. The last was a personal revelation, which I cannot mention here, however that really, and greatly, affected the whole semester. Valleys after valleys came, sometimes I was even brought to a dry plateau, a place where really, all of the promises and victories claimed last summer have finally begun to have a "false shadow of doubt" (which didn't seemed "false" that time). Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming pressures at school, the need to carry a "tough facade" at church to repress the hurt and pain inside, and even just the hiding and pushing away of the mistakes I've done in the past, I've once again become far away from Him. Sadly, this is not something I feel comfortable writing about. Feelings of shame and regret are emanating, and it just doesn't feel good.
"What really happened?" One night somewhere in September, I asked myself. The scenarios from July to early September was starting to be chaotic and confusing. I just saw myself turning from one side of self to the other, having diverse directions, which deep inside I knew was directly heading to "nowhere". The pressures of school have made me want to sip into a beverage my wrong friends offered me. It was called "relaxation" which actually meant "tardiness". I took a sip of it, and it was cool. It was refreshing... but then all were mere "unreliable feelings and emotions" as a result of how to cope with the gigantic pressures around.
The "weekends" didn't help either, as I was just shifting from one realm of pressure, to one realm of heaviness. People all around were changing, friends began wearing the name tag of "used-to-be"/"once"/"old" on their faces, and the scenario was just getting heavier. I felt like the entire place was divided internally, but somehow tried to show the world, even God that "no, we're not! In fact we're so united in here!" Of course God is not happy with the situation. That is why He has used countless circumstances to give us the desire to get back to the basics of life. Just like what was written in that song, "one day we all will awake and look back, just to find what we've lost.." many, were indeed in pain, in hurting. Many were doubting, and wanting to give up. Many were crying out their hearts to the wrong places, wrong people, wrong...I would say... PURSUITS. I'm not exempted from that statement. I too tried, if getting farther would work. I too tried, if compromising myself just to fit into the new world (where "relaxation" was their regular drink) would work. I too tried, if fully focusing on my academics would work. And the end result? All I could say is total FAILURE. If the term needs to be that harsh, then so be it. We've lost timeless opportunities to live a joyful life as God has promised, a victorious life as God has assured, and an simple life faithfully and genuinely serving God as how He has planned, designed, and created life to be. I remembered, "an opportunity lost is gone FOREVER.." Indeed those days won't come back anymore. They're irretrievable. They're gone.
However, God, who has always been true to who He is--faithful, never stopped in His daily reminders, daily discipline, daily rebuke, or basically daily "spanking". Which all the more showed me His never changing love in an ever-changing world. His love is still the same--wonderful, amazing, splendid, fathomless, indescribable. His forgiveness is still there, and He's just waiting for us to really accept that "Yes.. once again, I've failed. I've sought joy, satisfaction, completeness at the wrong places. I've doubted You, Lord. Your love, Your power, Your grace, Your strength, that You have been promising me to carry me through it all. I've forgotten what You have done, and focused on myself, and again, You just let me choose 'my way' to make me realize that 'I just can't'...I just can't live the right kind of life You want me to live without You directing and guiding me."
September 19, 2012. It was the day that changed the routine. It was the day where I realized why everything has been wrong. I really, didn't know where I was heading, that's why the last 2-3 months had been very much capricious. God is just so good, and His timing is always PERFECT. Just when I began to realize my mistakes in the past months, He even made me realize the whole picture of things. My life had God only as a decor, not the CORE. God, for so many years, has been an ornament to every decision that I make. More of like I do what I want first, then just do something in it to make it look "God-honoring". I really cried hard, as I swallowed such pride in my life. I knew I was wrong. And those mistakes have hurt and deceived people too. I knew I really wanted to elevate myself, and did everything to protect myself. I used too much "cover-ups" to really hide this truth, this reality that God was just on the sides, not in all of me. After camp, I knew I was heading on the right track, but just before the "sweeter year" began, fear, selfishness, and pride drowned me. I realized, before judging people, I guess I need to look at how frail am I too as God's child. It was devastating, "fleshly-speaking". Nevertheless I thank God for such a night. I didn't care if I needed to cry the whole night just to be in touch with God again. That night, finally, I knew where I should be heading.
Perhaps, one major principle I've learned that night is that if I really want to follow God, His will, His plan and purpose for my life, then I need to be fully-surrendered to Him--WITHOUT RESERVATIONS. I need to let Him be the core of my every decision. I've realized too, that after all, everything began from Him, so everything must end with Him and for Him too. He must be the beginning point, the middle points, and the endpoint of my life, and so are my decisions. As He is my Master, the Driver of my life, He who began it, should be also the one finishing/completing it, just as He has promised. I must not, manipulate. I must not, take things and do them on my own way. That is not what a young woman of God must do. He is the Potter, I am the clay. Whatever He says, I'll do. Wherever He sends, I'll GO. I'm just a sinner, saved by His grace, given with a privilege to be an instrument to reflect His glorious Light. Didn't I just told myself NOT to argue with God this 2012? I believe I gotta be reminded too from time to time. This includes saying "YES" to whatever God has led you to do, even for the rest of your life. This was hard for me, because this equals giving up everything I once held dear just for doing His will--His mission, which as His daughter, must be my mission too.
To the world, it may seem "ambiguous" as I've just entrusted the rest of my future to God's hands, which is something "unknown" as far as I'm concerned, or as far as any human is concerned. But ironically, giving myself fully to God gave me peace. All doubts, worries, apprehensions faded away. This is really because now, it is not a limited individual who holds her future, it is now the Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent God who is holding the rest of my days 'til infinity and beyond. Yes, I've learned to let go...not something I once held dear, not even someone, or a few, but rather I've learned to let go of myself. This simply means dying to self, and yielding to Him. LETTING GO. This is a practice that must be done habitually, with the grace of God. And so here I now come to the present, where still though many worries (for the new semester, new month, new year, majorship, 'renewed' realm at church) attack me constantly, which gives me ample room to doubt again, I just simply bring it under subjection, and so are my feelings, emotions, presumptions, assumptions, "vibes", circumstances. Again, I must LET GO of manipulating, of doing things my way, of planning ahead, and LET GOD take me to the regions beyond for His glory.
See, I thought I could only go this far, but God told me "My plans are higher than yours, My ways are better than yours (in fact My ways are always the BEST), and if you're willing to let Me drive your life, I'll bring you to whole different world, who longs to see My glory revealed through My work in you. You just gotta be willing to undergo everything, every trial, every testing, every hurt and pain the devil's gonna throw. But be of good cheer, I've overcome the world. Trust Me, and have faith." It brings me to tears, as how far God could use such a wretch as I. This again, shows me that life is not about me, it's about Him. My life should be pointing to no one else, no other name but Jesus. THIS IS LIFE. What could I say more? As a respond I simply said "Yes Lord. I know that real satisfaction and fulfillment in life only comes when You are the core, the beginning, the middle, and the end of it. So thank You Lord, I don't deserve this love, this forgiveness, this another chance to live right. So here am I Lord, keep me worthy of reflecting Your glorious Light. Never did I realize that this song that You've inspired me to write 4 months ago will be speaking to me again. Help me, for I can't do it on my own. I just can't. So let me be yielding and submissive enough to Your grace, Your strength, Your power. Thank You for reminding me of my frailties and weaknesses every time I reach the mountaintops, or even in the valleys or the plateaus of life. Rid me of myself, help me to be more honest and transparent in showing You and not my pride, not my egoistic self, even through my mistakes and my failures, so that people would see that I'm still human, and You're still working on me, to make me what I ought to be for Your glory. Take off the mask of pretense, Lord, and may You be seen in me.
Seriously, as I write that prayer, I was reading it aloud to myself, and once again, I was praying too. That everything that was said, would be done, and would be seen, for His honor and glory's sake. And so yeah...I've accepted life as how it should be, and by His grace, I'm living it as how it should be--as how He wants it to be. :)
Comments
Post a Comment