To Reinvent Myself in the Morning
I'm finally on sembreak, just in time to update this blog of mine. My very first semester in my specialization year has just been muddled.
And I've been a round, dynamic character.
I began the school year with the mantra of "doing harder things for God", which isn't really wrong. But as I go through the every day life of being a literature major, I knew that there was a glitch. Thank God I was resurrected before I sank deeper.
"Why. What did you mean when you said 'harder things'?"
Perhaps, that was a question I asked myself from time to time. The context of the phrase was somehow misplaced before. How?
Pushing Myself Hard
First of all, I pushed myself hard. To the edge of my identity. To the brink of conformity. All to suffice the mantra. Misplaced context of "harder". It was not a pleasing sacrifice to Him. No. It was just torture and infliction on self and a mere case of martyrdom.
I wanted my glory days back. Without a doubt, that was the ambiguity behind the mantra. I wanted the wasted days of 2011, the days of fame and glamor to come alive this 2013. I wanted to make revenge for myself, and for all that has happened to me last year, for all who wronged me, despised me, belittled me. I wanted to "do harder things for God" in the context that if this pain is necessary to prove my worth in this life to the world, then let it be to me, all for Him. I planned my specialization years to be one that's defined as tough, yet sacrificial, giving my all for my course, for my program, for its organization, for my class, for myself, whatever sacrifice it takes (even conformity!) and somehow, use these as a pointing tool to "how God can work through my very sacrificial life".
I pushed myself hard, to the point that I needed to conform myself to every demand (good or bad, positive or negative, right or wrong, they seem to not matter to me anymore. I was hungry of their acceptance, of affiliation, of belonging. Same old dilemma for me) of the program, of the people in it, so that I may win them to Christ. This was what "harder" meant to me. I thought this was how I was supposed to build my testimony. I thought this was my one-way ticket to the future I've envisioned for myself.
Conformity Is Pain
It wasn't easy. To continue conforming wasn't easy as it was in the beginning, especially when deep down you know that maybe, and just maybe, you weren't fit for this place, with these people, and you also know, that such "maybe's" are what it really should be for you. Conformity has lost its joy and has turned to something painful. At the end of the day, I've realized that conformity did not make me do "harder" things for God. At the end I gave in. I compromised, and yet, I still lost the game. I still lost them. They still forsook me, even despised me, betrayed me. I was still left alone, unrecognized by the world, without any real satisfaction from the superficial affiliation and acceptance they showed me. It's hard to live in God's design for His children, but it's harder to go against God's design for His children. It's hard to go against the flow, but it's harder to go with the flow and end up being swallowed by the flow. I still wasn't able to fit in, because I was never designed to be so. I knew God has confined me here: He has given me limitations to remind me of where I really belong and who I'm really born to be, and so I won't get misdirected too long that I'll be forever lost and hopeless. One point or another, I'm bound to return to my Shepherd. Smart sheep? Not really at some point at that time.
Pain Begets Numbness
From the last week of July, to the first 2 weeks of August, I'd say that I've summited the peak of the valley's trough. I did not fall. I just reached it. Pain has turned to an immense feeling of numbness. Numbness to things around me, to people around me, to the world around me. To every event that transpired, I lost my reaction, to every happening that occurred, I lost my say, my stance, my view, my perspective. I've lost perspective. It was a subtle, calm and peaceful way of slowly dying within. My hopes for my future faded. I knew vengeance has become pointless. I knew building a future geared towards self-enhancement (proving myself to the world) has become aimless. I knew that I wasn't in the place where I was supposed to be, where I envisioned myself to be just last April.
"Is this what it is supposed to be for someone who just entered the sweetest year of her life?" Perhaps 18 is not the right number. Perhaps 18 connotes water, being tasteless, not sweet.
I felt farther and farther from God, and that made things worse. I knew I was at the wrong side of the table, and somehow, I need to get back to the right side. But how? There seems to be nowhere out. I can't find anyone to run to and tell them the deepest struggles of my life. I've nowhere to go but to Him. I needed to run to Him, to get in touch with Him again, and turn aside from the things I've compromised myself into, from things I've get in touched with that aren't supposed to be done with.
Prayer. That was my only solution, my only consolation. I cried to Him, and He heard me, as He always does. I've realized that, that feeling wherein you thought God can't hear you anymore just because you've become so far from Him, is a total myth. No matter where you go, you're never too far to be unheard by the Omnipresent God.
Overwhelmed. Resurrected. Brought back to life.
I finally recognized that I have a greater need deep within me, and that need is one I've tried to ignore since 2013 began. That is, no other than the need to reinvent myself. My life. My present and my future. I saw the need to throw away the old perspective I have in life, and to accept the perspective God has been offering me ever since 2012 September. This perspective is actually this:
"But then God was still faithful, and He used the Missions' Conference to remind me that my mission in this life was to be consistent and parallel with His mission for His children. I was then reminded, and I knew that He wanted me to be an English teacher and a writer that He will greatly use, even in the ministry, if He ever calls me someday. I once again remembered my decision last May 2010. Therefore, I ended with English Literature as my major." -from April 2013 entry, "Youth Camp 2013: Why Was It a Miracle--A Testimony of His Miracles
Dwelling in the past has officially ended. Dwelling in the thought "of making revenge for self, and for all that has happened to me last year, for all who wronged me, despised me, belittled me" that was carried on from the past has finally ceased. Whatsoever transpired yesterday shouldn't negatively affect me today and my planning of tomorrow. Never, ever did God design yesterdays to be too painful and self-inflicted. Romans 8:28, once again. All things, including yesterdays, work together for my good, for His glory. It isn't what the adversities of yesterday that matters. It is my response to the adversities of yesterday that matters, not only for today, but also for the future adversities to come. It (our response) is accumulated wisdom from above, and so I can say, that it (still our response) is after all, included in the "every good and perfect gift" that comes from above. After all, even our response is just a by-product of His ever-sufficient GRACE, as we depend on His grace.
A Perspective, A Future that Has Crossed the Poles
I knew farewells have to be made. And so I bid them so. I bid my secular ambitions, affiliations, longings of belongings and acceptances GOODBYE. I'm no longer after for more of this world and what it wants from me, I'm only after for more of Him and what He has for me. This has perfectly coincided with this year's Missions Conference, a happy anniversary to my commitments last year. Now my future is described as one that has crossed the extremes:
I thank Him for the adversities He used, for the people He used, to encourage me and uplift me, and tell me that I must forget those which are behind, and press on to those which are before.
And I've been a round, dynamic character.
I began the school year with the mantra of "doing harder things for God", which isn't really wrong. But as I go through the every day life of being a literature major, I knew that there was a glitch. Thank God I was resurrected before I sank deeper.
"Why. What did you mean when you said 'harder things'?"
Perhaps, that was a question I asked myself from time to time. The context of the phrase was somehow misplaced before. How?
Pushing Myself Hard
First of all, I pushed myself hard. To the edge of my identity. To the brink of conformity. All to suffice the mantra. Misplaced context of "harder". It was not a pleasing sacrifice to Him. No. It was just torture and infliction on self and a mere case of martyrdom.
I wanted my glory days back. Without a doubt, that was the ambiguity behind the mantra. I wanted the wasted days of 2011, the days of fame and glamor to come alive this 2013. I wanted to make revenge for myself, and for all that has happened to me last year, for all who wronged me, despised me, belittled me. I wanted to "do harder things for God" in the context that if this pain is necessary to prove my worth in this life to the world, then let it be to me, all for Him. I planned my specialization years to be one that's defined as tough, yet sacrificial, giving my all for my course, for my program, for its organization, for my class, for myself, whatever sacrifice it takes (even conformity!) and somehow, use these as a pointing tool to "how God can work through my very sacrificial life".
I pushed myself hard, to the point that I needed to conform myself to every demand (good or bad, positive or negative, right or wrong, they seem to not matter to me anymore. I was hungry of their acceptance, of affiliation, of belonging. Same old dilemma for me) of the program, of the people in it, so that I may win them to Christ. This was what "harder" meant to me. I thought this was how I was supposed to build my testimony. I thought this was my one-way ticket to the future I've envisioned for myself.
Conformity Is Pain
It wasn't easy. To continue conforming wasn't easy as it was in the beginning, especially when deep down you know that maybe, and just maybe, you weren't fit for this place, with these people, and you also know, that such "maybe's" are what it really should be for you. Conformity has lost its joy and has turned to something painful. At the end of the day, I've realized that conformity did not make me do "harder" things for God. At the end I gave in. I compromised, and yet, I still lost the game. I still lost them. They still forsook me, even despised me, betrayed me. I was still left alone, unrecognized by the world, without any real satisfaction from the superficial affiliation and acceptance they showed me. It's hard to live in God's design for His children, but it's harder to go against God's design for His children. It's hard to go against the flow, but it's harder to go with the flow and end up being swallowed by the flow. I still wasn't able to fit in, because I was never designed to be so. I knew God has confined me here: He has given me limitations to remind me of where I really belong and who I'm really born to be, and so I won't get misdirected too long that I'll be forever lost and hopeless. One point or another, I'm bound to return to my Shepherd. Smart sheep? Not really at some point at that time.
Pain Begets Numbness
From the last week of July, to the first 2 weeks of August, I'd say that I've summited the peak of the valley's trough. I did not fall. I just reached it. Pain has turned to an immense feeling of numbness. Numbness to things around me, to people around me, to the world around me. To every event that transpired, I lost my reaction, to every happening that occurred, I lost my say, my stance, my view, my perspective. I've lost perspective. It was a subtle, calm and peaceful way of slowly dying within. My hopes for my future faded. I knew vengeance has become pointless. I knew building a future geared towards self-enhancement (proving myself to the world) has become aimless. I knew that I wasn't in the place where I was supposed to be, where I envisioned myself to be just last April.
"Is this what it is supposed to be for someone who just entered the sweetest year of her life?" Perhaps 18 is not the right number. Perhaps 18 connotes water, being tasteless, not sweet.
I felt farther and farther from God, and that made things worse. I knew I was at the wrong side of the table, and somehow, I need to get back to the right side. But how? There seems to be nowhere out. I can't find anyone to run to and tell them the deepest struggles of my life. I've nowhere to go but to Him. I needed to run to Him, to get in touch with Him again, and turn aside from the things I've compromised myself into, from things I've get in touched with that aren't supposed to be done with.
Prayer. That was my only solution, my only consolation. I cried to Him, and He heard me, as He always does. I've realized that, that feeling wherein you thought God can't hear you anymore just because you've become so far from Him, is a total myth. No matter where you go, you're never too far to be unheard by the Omnipresent God.
Overwhelmed. Resurrected. Brought back to life.
"For there's nowhere that You're not here loving me." -"Where Could I Go"
His mighty hand brought me back to life, in a way I've never imagined. Just when the waves have finally settled, just when my heart has been steadied for quite a long time, He answered one of my prayers, a prayer I've sought to Him about, a long time ago. Until now, I still can't believe that He is answering it, and together with His answer, are answers too, to my recent struggle in life. (You may ask what that prayer is, but I guess He makes all things beautiful in His time, including answering your question. :') )
God indeed has His own ways of reminding you of your worth and your value to Him. He also has His own ways of telling you that you've got to stop just merely surviving, but start living that abundant life in Him, one that entails real meaning and purpose. Lastly, He has His own ways of changing you for the better, and bringing the best out of you. To many, it may seem illogical, but don't judge something that is undone, something God isn't finished with. At the end, looking from His perspective, it shall make perfect sense.
I finally recognized that I have a greater need deep within me, and that need is one I've tried to ignore since 2013 began. That is, no other than the need to reinvent myself. My life. My present and my future. I saw the need to throw away the old perspective I have in life, and to accept the perspective God has been offering me ever since 2012 September. This perspective is actually this:
"But then God was still faithful, and He used the Missions' Conference to remind me that my mission in this life was to be consistent and parallel with His mission for His children. I was then reminded, and I knew that He wanted me to be an English teacher and a writer that He will greatly use, even in the ministry, if He ever calls me someday. I once again remembered my decision last May 2010. Therefore, I ended with English Literature as my major." -from April 2013 entry, "Youth Camp 2013: Why Was It a Miracle--A Testimony of His Miracles
Dwelling in the past has officially ended. Dwelling in the thought "of making revenge for self, and for all that has happened to me last year, for all who wronged me, despised me, belittled me" that was carried on from the past has finally ceased. Whatsoever transpired yesterday shouldn't negatively affect me today and my planning of tomorrow. Never, ever did God design yesterdays to be too painful and self-inflicted. Romans 8:28, once again. All things, including yesterdays, work together for my good, for His glory. It isn't what the adversities of yesterday that matters. It is my response to the adversities of yesterday that matters, not only for today, but also for the future adversities to come. It (our response) is accumulated wisdom from above, and so I can say, that it (still our response) is after all, included in the "every good and perfect gift" that comes from above. After all, even our response is just a by-product of His ever-sufficient GRACE, as we depend on His grace.
A Perspective, A Future that Has Crossed the Poles
I knew farewells have to be made. And so I bid them so. I bid my secular ambitions, affiliations, longings of belongings and acceptances GOODBYE. I'm no longer after for more of this world and what it wants from me, I'm only after for more of Him and what He has for me. This has perfectly coincided with this year's Missions Conference, a happy anniversary to my commitments last year. Now my future is described as one that has crossed the extremes:
From selfishness to selflessness,
apathy to compassion,
rudeness to understanding,
resentment to forgiveness,
hatred to love,
bitterness to grace.
I'll no longer merely survive for myself. Let me abundantly live for Him, and for others. What matters to me now is not whether my life may look grandeur or prestigious yet futile and shallow on the outside, but that it may be filled with fulfillment and real joy (in serving Him and reaching out others) inside, although it may look simple and unattractive on the outside.
No matter how unlovable the people I meet may be, Christ has shown me how to still love them. Christ has showered enough grace for me to share it with them, and give them another chance. No more judgmental and critical perspective on life. No more painful and numb conformity. I'm now, once again, affiliated with Him and with His cause, and because of that I'll stand by Him alone, unworthy, but yes I stand unashamed, all because of His mercy and grace. I'm not proud of what I've become now, but I'm more than ever grateful for what He has made me now.
I thank Him for the adversities He used, for the people He used, to encourage me and uplift me, and tell me that I must forget those which are behind, and press on to those which are before.
The morning has come, and it's high time to reinvent myself.
"...Is there not a Cause?"- I Sam. 17:29
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