2016

2016

To graduate. To have a teaching job. To pass the LET.

Do these three suffice one’s 2016 experience?
 Of course not, because it misses the whole point of how 2016 has FINALLY been to me. “FINALLY”, because it took me 12 months to realize the essence, the meaning of the year. “FINALLY” because I am now putting this into writing, when just 4 days ago, I’ve been struggling to end the year in a positive way.
“FINALLY” because now I know why 2016 has been like THIS and not like THAT.

THIS vs. THAT. This sets the major conflict of the year, at least for me. This wasn’t any usual conflict one would see in literature, however this is a usual conflict one sees in life—expectations vs. reality. A year ago, I thought 2016 would be the “answer to all my prayers, all my wonderings, all my waiting, and all my questions” to this 20-year-old existence. I thought the three things mentioned in the first line of this post were enough to fulfill and satisfy me. With that kind of thinking, slowly, yet knowingly, the focal point of my life was moved away from Him to my so-called ‘goals’. So in the end? I suffered the consequences of a misdirected life this year for not drawing my hope and expectations only from Christ and His Word.

THAT: I thought that after graduation, the millennial term ‘adulting’ life would be a breeze. Money. Freedom (from studies). Status symbol (of a working young adult). Financial gains (eat, drink, shop, be merry). These were all empty hallows disguised in fast-lived lights, fb posts and ig stories. These were flickering lights that allured a fresh graduate like me to chase and seek after. So without further ado, I said YES to things that were overwhelming, without really seeking the Lord’s will. Well, I did seek Him, but I already had an answer deep inside. It was if praying a prayer like this,

“Lord, I’d want to work here because of the gains, yes I know it’s not what I was trained for but we’ll give it a try, right? You’ll help me go through it anyway, right?”

Then my ‘NAYS’—which further reflected my Biblical convictions in life—were slowly diluted, infiltrated, polluted by the world’s prosperity mindset. At first, I thought, that life and 2016 are being lived the way I’ve expected it to. I was happy with everything that was given to me—all the duties, responsibilities and privileges. I took it as a chance to think myself higher than others, or than who I was before. I started despising the lowly and the simple life. All I wanted was to gain more, for myself, because I felt that I deserve it, and I do not want to be deprived of pampering myself in those things.

But

THAT

Was not God’s way

THIS is: August came and I started to question,

“Are these all it? So is this the adult life? Is this reality?”

After having enjoyed the pleasures of the world for a brief moment, reality finally took place, and things became to lose meaning for me, drastically. I felt like I was ripped of everything I thought I had:

1.      Talents, gifts—I realized they weren’t mine. Being in a work wherein I’m doing what I wasn’t really trained to do made you feel utterly dumb.

“But GOD! I did not study college to do this! Why am I here in the first place?! Money doesn’t suffice!”

Feelings of insecurity and uselessness gradually crept into my system. From being fully acknowledged, I suddenly lost them, and I grew desperate of having them back. Many nights, my wallet was full, my appetites were fed, but my heart was empty, my mind was weary, and my soul was hungry. I developed the tendency to be anxious of how capable am I of failing the world of adulthood, and its attacks drove me crazy. This was an undergoing cycle til the end of the year. Instead of looking and going to God for guidance and strength, I continued to wallow in my despair and anxiety. I allowed all the negativities that my emotion feeds to swallow me whole. I stayed in the state of being ashamed in front of God that I had enough pride not to accept His forgiveness and restoration. Instead of returning, I drifted further.

2.      Human relationships—they too weren’t mine, and how many years should it take for me to instill this to my mind and system?

“Am I still lovable? Will anyone ever like me? Could anyone ever appreciate and accept me for all that I am? God! I never belong to anyone in this world anymore.”

The question should be, rather,

“Should I belong to anyone apart from Christ? Should I wait for the world’s acceptance and appreciation and applause when I should be living for Christ’s honor and praise?”

As the heavy weight of negativities swelled in my system, I became that kind of girl who resents human relationships outwardly, but deeply craves for their acceptance. I had to compromise many times, just to fit in. Yet once again, feelings of emptiness were evident. I knew I do not belong. I knew I should not be there. I tried crying out for attention to people whom I think can save my desperate being, but truth is, no one can save me. No one can fix me. No one, apart from Christ, yet instead of returning to the only One where I am totally loved and accepted, I still drifted further.

3.      Achievements and milestones—who am I to deserve them, first place? It is pride, the moment I take them as my own, and not His.

“Take it from ME, for I graduated, got this kind of job, and passed the board exam!”

For a person filled with pride, their feet are no longer rooted on the solid Rock. These Christians are not expected to fly anywhere far and high, but only float in the aimless air, for without the Rock directing their flights, they are just lost. I was lost because pride became the alterego of my insecurities. I brushed up my image by my achievements, thinking that it could make up for my failures. Once again, however, I ended up getting more and more frustrated, because my achievements, in the long run, sounded too far from who I really am—with all my vile inside.

        

    True enough, most of 2016 has become a fleeting one—I regret that I was never able to really cherish the moments within, because for most of the time, I was seeking for “THAT”. I was never contented with “THIS”. My life became what social media is now trying to do—capturing moments, but letting them fade off the scene after a number of hours. Sadly I can’t recall much of Spiritual Leadership Conference or Youth Camp or Missions Conference this year simply because they were all pushed to the edged by my insecurities, anxieties, worries and fears. I did not even thank God for bringing THIS into my life, in order to remind me of what 2016 should have really been for me:

            2016 is not having THAT life. 2016, and life in general, is never about God meeting our expectations, because a believer’s expectations, to begin with, must be of Christ and Him alone.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. – Psalm 62:5

            God will never meet our ways because His is higher. God will never meet our ways because our ways lead to destruction, but we most of the time are in a haste of His answers, and move impulsively if we think He fails to move. Truth is, however, God is constantly at work, we are the only ones that hinder Him. Yet thankfully, He does not stop there. At the end THIS wins over THAT. If He has to halt and strip away everything, He would, just to bring back His child’s foremost attention to Him.

            To begin with, He deserves our utmost attention.

            “Lovest thou Me more than these?”

            In my case, He asked me the same question, many times. And this is the question that is actually His way of saying I am jealous of “THAT”, of “THEM”, of your “insecurities, fears, anxieties, worries”, of your “failures and mishaps”, of your “achievements”. God is a jealous God because He deserves our utmost being. Just this afternoon did He clearly showed me how He has been jealous of everything else in my life where I’ve placed my effort, my thoughts, my attention and devotion to, apart from Him—His work, His commands, His Word. He is jealous when the focus is no longer pointed to Him alone. He is jealous when I lingered in my questions, doubts, rather on Him—being THE ONLY ANSWER. He is jealous when I tried different ways, rather than His—being THE ONLY WAY. He is jealous when I chased after anything and everything else apart from Him, when He is the only One who could give me the fulfillment and satisfaction in this lifetime and beyond.

            Right before 2016 ends, here I finally realized that many things in my life have to be changed, but it will all start by surrendering my frustrations to Him, and trusting His purpose instead. I know He has a purpose for bringing me into THIS, and I know it’s the best one. I just have to let Him be the Center of THIS, and sure enough, life will be different.

            From now on, here on, everything will be different.

            Everything will start to take on the right motion, towards the right direction.

        Living right commences here, where all doubt, fear and anxiety would cease to reign.

            

           Everything will be placed in His hands, to whom every good and perfect gift belongs to, to whom all relationships must be anchored upon, to whom all achievements are due.

            This 2017, may Christ be our all, in all—our hope, our expectation, and may we love Him more than whatever He gives us, more than wherever He places us, more than whatever He would do to us. He is the Source, the solid Rock where we should stay rooted upon, and let His love be our beginning, our end, and everything in between. He was enough. He is enough, and He’ll always be more than enough.